Preparing for Marriage.  Preparation for the marriage service is equally important in the case of a first marriage, a marriage after the death of a spouse, and a marriage following divorce.  In preparation the minister will provide for a discussion with the man and the woman concerning

♥  the nature of their Christian commitment, assuring that at least one is a professing Christian,

♥  the legal requirements of the state,

♥  the privileges and responsibilities of Christian marriage,

♥  the nature and form of the marriage service,

♥  the vows and commitments they will be asked to make,

♥  the relationship of these commitments to their lives of discipleship,

♥  the resources of the faith and the Christian community to assist them in fulfilling their marriage commitments.

If the Marriage Is Unwise

If the minister is convinced after discussion with the couple that commitment, responsibility, maturity, or Christian understanding are so lacking that the marriage is unwise, the minister shall assure the couple of the church’s continuing concern for them and not conduct the ceremony. In making this decision the minister may seek the counsel of the session.

Time and Place of the Service.  Christian marriage should be celebrated in the place where the community gathers for worship.  The marriage ordinarily takes place in a special service which focuses upon marriage as a gift of God and as an expression of the Christian life.

Form and Order of Service.  The service begins with scriptural sentences and a brief statement of purpose. The man and the woman shall declare their intention to enter into Christian marriage and shall exchange vows of love and faithfulness. The service includes appropriate passages of Scripture, which may be interpreted in various forms of proclamation. Prayers shall be offered for the couple, for the communities which support them in this new dimension of discipleship, and for all who seek to live in faithfulness. In the name of the triune God the minister shall declare publicly that the woman and the man are now joined in marriage. A charge may be given. The service concludes with a benediction.

Music and Appointments.  Music suitable for the marriage service directs attention to God and expresses the faith of the church. The congregation may join in hymns and other musical forms of praise and prayer. Flowers, decorations, and other appointments should be appropriate to the place of worship, enhance the worshipers’ consciousness of the reality of God, and reflect the integrity and simplicity of Christian life

Recognizing Civil Marriage.  A service of worship recognizing a civil marriage and confirming it in the community of faith may be appropriate when requested by the couple. The service will be similar to the marriage service except that the opening statement, the declaration of intention, the exchange of the vows by the husband and wife, and the public declaration by the minister reflect the fact that the woman and man are already married to one another according to the laws of the state.

What is preparing for marriage?

Marriage preparation is getting to know yourself and your partner better – so you can build a marriage that’s right for both of you.  It means making the effort to

♥     Understand your needs and value – and your partner’s

♥     Communicate thoughts and feelings in ways that inspire mutual tryst and acceptance

♥     Recognize potential areas of conflict in your relationship

♥     Grow together in your relationships with Christ

♥     Explore insights into life, love and living

♥     Share activities that you both enjoy.

Why is it important to prepare for marriage?

Preparing for marriage is important because getting married may be the most important decision you’ll make.  With your effort now, you can create a marriage that’s lasting and loving.  Preparing for marriage now will help you

♥     Feel more secure in your new role as wife or husband

♥     Avoid common pitfalls that could jeopardize your happiness

♥     Resolve conflict so small problems don’t become major ones

♥     Create a lifestyle that’s mutually satisfying.

Just what is marriage?

Marriage is a relationship between a man and woman marked by 3 very special qualities.  Marriage preparation helps you and your partner are ready to share these unique qualities.

♥  Fidelity:  Two persons promise each other their lifelong loyalty and love.

♥  Commitment:  As their relationship matures, the couple strives to better fulfill their marriage vows.

♥  Permanence:  The partnership flourishes with (and in spite of) the changes brought by time.

What is the relationship between love and marriage?

Marriage is all about love and friendship with your partner and with God.  To bring out the best of what marriage offers, you need to:

♥  Love your partner.  This means being able to cherish and accept your partner, in spite of his or her shortcomings.  And it means wanting to contribute to your partner’s growth.

♥  Love yourself.  Not to be confused with being selfish, self-love is knowing that you are a person of dignity and value, worthy of being loved.

♥  Love God.  The love we experience in marriage is rooted in God, who is the source of all love and who indeed is love.

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude.  It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth.  It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Why do so many marriages run into trouble?

Sadly, many marriages end in divorce.  Here are some of the reasons why couples break up:

♥  They communicate poorly.  Many couples lack the skills that enable two people to relate to each other effectively.

♥  They don’t know themselves.  Marriage partners who lack insight(into themselves, their families and each other) may fail to understand a spouse’s needs and values.

♥  They marry for the wrong reasons.  For example:  to escape an unhappy life at home, to avoid the pain of a past relationship, or because of pressure from parents or society.

♥  They have the wrong attitudes.  Couples who see divorce as a quick, easy way to solve problems may not take necessary steps to sustain the marriage.

Is love enough to sustain a marriage?

While love is all-important, it may not last unless a couple keeps rebuilding their relationship.  For love to grow, a couple needs:

♥     Appreciation – each partner values the other for the unique person he or she is.

♥     Independence – each person recognizes the other’s need to enjoy activities that further personal growth.

♥     Interaction – two people are alive to each other’s presence as they speak, listen, and share.

♥     Acceptance – two people like and love each other, while realizing that no human being is perfect.

♥     Forgiveness – each person cay lay aside past hurts and work together to renew mutual trust.

How do I prepare for marriage?

1.     The first thing to do is use your own insight.  The following outline will help you get started:

a.     Know Yourself:  Do these statements accurately describe you:

i.      I am a good listener.

ii.     I know that I am worthy of being loved.

iii.    I am usually sensitive to other’s needs.

iv.    I know and understand my family’s attitudes and background.

v.     I can accept honest criticism.

vi.    I make a real effort to understand my partner’s feelings and point of view.

vii.   I can tell my partner what I really think and feel.

viii.  I believe marriage should allow freedom for personal growth.

ix.    I know the kinds of people I get along well with.

x.     I know how to be a friend to my partner.

b.     Know Your Partner

i.     Does my partner understand me?

ii.     Do I know what my partner wants out of life?

iii.    Do I know his or her spiritual beliefs?

iv.    Does my partner communicate his or her needs clearly?

v.     Do I know my partner’s views on having children?

vi.    Are we as a couple able to manage money wisely?

vii.   Does my partner let me be the person I really am?

viii.  Do I know my partner’s needs and views sexually?

ix.    Does my partner trust me?

x.     Do I know my partner’s feelings about his or her family and friends?

2.     Discuss important issues.  Before you say “I do,” understanding one another’s feelings on these topics can prevent disagreements and misunderstandings later.

a.     Values.  Values are beliefs or principles that you think are important to live by.  What are yours?  What are your partners?  Are they alike?

b.     Work.  Will one or both of you work?  How do you intend to further your job or career plans?

c.     Sex.  What are your attitudes about sex?  What place does it have in your emotional and spiritual growth?  Can you express sexual needs and desires openly?

d.     Religion.  Are you able to practice a life of faith with your partner?  What do each of you feel and believe about God, church, and prayer?

e.     Money.  It’s the root of many marriage problems.  Who earns it, who spends it and on what, and how to manage it are just some issues you need to agree on.

f.      Children.  Will children be a part of your future?  If so, how many – and when?  If not, is this a problem?  And, how do you believe children should be raise?

g.     In-laws.  What are your attitudes and feelings about your future in-laws?  Can you talk about these feelings with your partner?

h.     Household Tasks.  How will cooking, cleaning and other household chores be divided?

3.     Solve Conflict creatively.  No two people share identical views on every topic.  Some conflict is normal, but follow these guidelines to help build your relationship:

a.     State the problem.

i.      Use “I” statements when expressing anger.  Avoid “you” statements (You are insensitive for not calling.”)

ii.     Speak simply and directly.  Don’t pout or withdraw into silence.  Don’t expect your partner to read your mind.

b.     Don’t attack the person.

i.     Avoid the temptation to be sarcastic or to name-call.  Don’t use put-downs.

ii.     Stick to the issue at hand.  Don’t bring up past issues.  Tackle one issue at a time.  Be specific.

iii.    Confront the issue, not the person.

c.     Listen.

i.     Give your whole attention to the other person.

ii.     Don’t rush or interrupt your partner’s sentences.

iii.    To reduce misunderstanding, summarize in your own words what the speaker has just said.

d.     Don’t try to “win.”  “Winning” an argument only makes the “loser” feel angry and resentful.

e.     Follow the rules for creative conflict.

i.     Always respect and acknowledge the other person’s feelings.

ii.     When tempers flare, take deep breaths and stay calm.  Or walk away to cool off.

iii.    Don’t be afraid to acknowledge your part in having created a problem.

iv.    See the other person’s point of view.  Don’t stay wrapped up in your own way of looking at the world.

v.     Speak from love.  Don’t let conflict over an issue let you forget your love for the person.

vi.    Out of conflict, create a relationship based on new happiness, satisfaction, and compromise.

What resources are available to help prepare for marriage?

♥  Pastors – can help discuss potential problem areas in your relationship or refer you to other skilled counselors.

♥  Family Life Educators – can help you acquire the skills needed to deal successfully with the realities of marriage life.

♥  Marriage and Family Counselors – can help you identify and overcome obstacles to the growth of your relationship.

♥  Friends and Members of Your Congregation – can talk to you informally and meaningfully about marriage.

♥  God – never forget or underestimate the power of prayer.  It can do much to bring Christ’s love into your life each day.